Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
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