Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
