I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
