Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
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