I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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