Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
