I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
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