dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
