Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
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