Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
