I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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