only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Randomize