what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize