Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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