My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
where are my eyebrows?
Just puked most of my soul out..
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
