Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I think people are normalizing furries
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
