just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Randomize
