rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
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