Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
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