hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
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