Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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