She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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