He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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