i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Randomize
