so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
