I am midnight drunk by noon
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Randomize
