If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Randomize
