Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
