Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
