when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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