So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
