remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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