finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
