I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Randomize
