I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
