I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
