Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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