I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
