i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
