First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Randomize
