this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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