I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Randomize
