did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
So squirting runs in the family.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
