Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
