Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
