just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
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