Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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