lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
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