Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
