I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Randomize
