I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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