I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
